The Irrepressible Anxiety Disorder

I tell ya, having an anxiety disorder is something else!  That constant twisted knot in your stomach, the racing mind, difficulty sleeping, the ever-present high blood pressure, family/friends branding you as lazy or a snob on those days when leaving the house just ain't happening…..yeah.  It’s a charmed existence.

My current source of underlying panic?  I have myself all but entirely convinced that I’m going to be accused of stealing money from the register at work.  Not because I have a guilty conscience; in fact, I have absolutely no reason to worry about that.  I would not and did not do such a thing.  Not even accidentally.  However, this mind of mine insists on going all worst-case scenario on me, whether I like it or not.  Logically, I know there’s no basis for worries like this.  I know I’m being ridiculous and getting myself worked up over absolutely nothing.  Does my mind listen to the voice of reason?  Hell, almost never.  My last shift was on Sunday…my first real shift without a trainer, actually.  Tonight, I have to go back in again for a shift and it’s like some part of me keeps trying to scream out that bad things will happen if I do.

Sometimes, it gets so bad I feel as if I’m coming undone.  It’s difficult, because it doesn't seem (to me) as such a unique problem.  Yet, no one seems to understand.  Friends and family will sometimes listen and try to help, but I know they grow tired of it pretty fast.  Everyone says, “get help, see a doctor, seek therapy” which I've tried.  More than a few times.  Talking to a therapist can only go so far, and sometimes the medicine is worse than the affliction.

All I can do is take it one moment at a time.  So, again I ask myself; what’s the worst possible thing that could happen at work tonight?  I get fired, go home, and look for another job.  Life goes on.

So, How Was Your Day?

I had to take the iExpress bus to my new job today on the other end of town. Simple, right? I've taken it once before (I usually get a ride), so easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, fine and dandy like sour candy! As always, I digress...

I left the house to walk to the bus terminal. No busses run by here on Sundays and I figured I should get some exercise anyway. On the way, I realized I forgot to buy a lock (they want us to lock our shit in the lockers, not have it with us at the registers), so I ducked into a Dollarama to buy a cheap $1.50 padlock. As I was in a rush, I didn't bother to grab the receipt.

I made it to the terminal and on the bus without incident. Then, I accidentally got off one stop too soon. Well, shit. That whole area is pretty wide open (not many landmarks) and as the bus pulled away, I realized that to my left, there was a huge office building of some sort without a single light on or car in the parking lot. To the right of me...a bunch of hydro towers and a cornfield. Yeah...a fucking corn field.